i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
did i just pee glitter
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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