its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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