I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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