Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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