hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
