there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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