dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
