Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
