Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
