So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
