Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
