i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
