I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.