My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
