Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
They are going to name an STD after you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
