Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
