i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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