Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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