then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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