i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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