We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
