I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
