why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
