I can text with my tongue
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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