I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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