So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
