My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
