I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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