i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
