textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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