Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
