farters have to be the big spoon...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My dick has a subreddit
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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