I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
