At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
