i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I supernannyed him into submission
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
