It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
