I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
