I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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