youre lurking in front of me
I bet he comes in French.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
