I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
