My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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