Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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