I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize