It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
