I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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