Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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