Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
