I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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