I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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