i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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