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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
