is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
