I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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