I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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