He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
