I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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