and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
