me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The air taste purple.
Randomize
