meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
