he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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