As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
